My Kids

My Daughter turned 18 this week and I came across this little thing I wrote in 2003, It made me laugh so I thought I would put it up before I lose it

(Friends names have been changed)

My wife and I have been blessed with 2 quasi-normal children, 1 girl and 1 boy. As of this writing (7/15/03) they are 12.9 and 10.6 respectively. My daughter’s name is Katie. She is definitely taking after me in more ways than I would like her to. She is on the cusp of being a full-blown teenager and reminds me of this each time I try to use my child psychology on her. She tries real hard to be a buddy and be interested in the things I like. I guess I should take better advantage of this while I can before she grows up to despise me. She has my sense of humor and my sarcasm and uses it on me, which really gets me going. She can get me worked up and push all my buttons without breaking her stride. We both like to win and when we play board games one of us ends up mad. She has quirkiness to her that I really like. She will come up with things that are so off the wall you have to laugh.

There was a period a few years ago where she did not like her eyebrows. I guess she thought they were too big so with all of her ten-year-old wisdom she decided to trim them down with a razor. Right before school one day she went to work. With the first brow she kind of thinned it out and it was not too bad but the other one had a half-inch bald spot in it. Well you know she panicked knowing she had minutes before mom dropped them off at school so she did all she could. She grabbed a black magic marker and colored them in. Well with all the usual running around to get them to school mom didn’t notice the damage until they got to school. My daughter had started to sweat and black ink had rolled down from her freshly shorn brow to her chin. After a few minutes of internal laughter and a strategically placed Band-Aid she was off. Telling her friends she cut herself, all was right with her little world. One of her friends eventually saw it and believe it or not she lived through it.

Katie has developed a unique style for answering simple questions. It goes something like this:

Summer Vacation and I have come home from work. It’s 3:15 P.M.

Dad: Katie did you clean your room today?

Katie still in her pajamas: Yessss! Mom already asked me that when she called.

Dad looking in her room: Was anybody hurt?

Katie getting up from the couch for the first time today: When?

Dad: when the bomb went off in your room.

Katie with food in her hair: Ha ha. It’s clean

Dad: The empty bag of BBQ chips on your unmade bed is supposed to be there?

Katie huffing and stomping: I’ll get it!

Dad: How about the pile of dirty clothes under your desk?

Katie pushing past me: Wait, I’m getting the bag.

Dad: OK when your done with the bag you can get the clothes, pick up and empty the overflowing garbage can put away the piles of clean clothes and make your bed. I thought you said you cleaned your room.

Katie: I did…On Monday…Sean didn’t clean his room…Why do I have to do everything…This is not fair…

With this the door slams and once again the ritual is complete. In the matter of about 2 minutes I went from “Yea Daddy’s home” to “You are sooo rude”. As I walk through the house I come across a few more battles that I know I will have to wage soon. The feeding of the dogs conflict, the ever popular laundry battle and the mound of dirty dishes crusade. This usually lasts until either her brother gets in trouble or one of her friends’ calls and wants her to come over. The later usually results in the following.

Katie: Dad can I go over to Vulnavias house and go swimming?

Dad: Oh you’re talking to me now?

Katie with a fake puzzled look on her face: Could you just listen?

Dad: I just wanted to make sure you were addressing me. The last I heard, I was rude and mean.

Katie getting a bit huffy: Can I go?

Dad: Is your room clean?

Katie giving up: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH (Door Slams)

I know everyone who has a little girl has this problem but you think there would be some kind of support group.

Then we have the boy. My son Sean was presented to the world in 1993. Coincidentally we are still paying him off and if we sold him we would not get what we owe. He goes by many names: Spawn, Sean-o, Little E (He was born on Elvis’s birthday), Boy, Number 2 and God Damnit. Sean (pronounced “Shawn” not “Seen” like many other stupid people with the same name pronounce it) is a wheeler and dealer. A typical conversation goes like this:

Sean pulling his socks on in a frenzy to go outside: Dad how late can I stay over Stymies house?

Dad: You have until 5:00

Sean clueless about the passage of time: How about 5:30

Dad: Sure but when you get home you need to read your book:

Sean: How about if I stay until 6:00 and read until I finish the book?

Dad: That’s a deal!

Sean: If stymie asks if I can have dinner over there, can I?

Dad: I don’t care.

Sean: Can Stymie spend the night if his mom says its OK?

Dad: Has Stymie slept in his own bed in the past few weeks? He always seems to be here.

Sean with his one-track mind: Can he?

Dad: No way, you said you would finish your book tonight.

Sean: I only have 6 pages left then I am done. How about if I finish it now, Can stymie stay the night?

Dad blown away at the turn of events: You only had 6 pages left and you stopped reading? Why? I can’t believe you used that to get what you wanted.

Sean with a proud smirk: You didn’t ask how many pages and since you already agreed then I win.

Dad with years of dad experience under his belt: No you need to read NOW, When you finish you will get another book and read that one until 6:00. NO stymie cannot spend the night and No you may not eat dinner over there. While you are up get me a soda with ice and turn on the fan.

Sean looking like I just thumped his melon screams: Your mean, Can I go when I get done?

Dad: Sure it will be dark out.

Sean: What if it’s not?

Dad done with this conversation: Then you will read until it is. Where is my soda?

Sean: How about if I clean my room, can I play then?

Dad: Soda, fan, Read!

Sean pointing at his sister who is sitting next to me reading: How come she doesn’t have to read?

Dad: The thing in her hands is a book, Copy her or you will lose your video games for a week.

Sean slamming his bedroom door: Oh my Gosh……

Dad: You forgot my soda.

Katie having to throw in her 2 cents: and the fan…..

Dad hi fives Katie.

Sean is a very funny kid though. He comes up with some of the most off the wall things and gets us laughing. I can remember one time his mom came into the room and he had all his comic books all over the place. She said to him ”Look around this room, what is wrong with this picture”? With a straight face he replied “You’re in it”. I thought I was going to die laughing.